WTF Do I Buy? How to Choose Wine Without Crying in the Aisle
Lost in the wine aisle? Learn how to choose wine by flavors you already love—chocolate, fruit, spreads, and more. Easy, fun, and no snobbery required.
The Panic in the Wine Aisle
Picture this: you’re standing in your local wine shop or grocery store. The aisle stretches on forever. You start to sweat. Your hair is about to frizz in 2.4 seconds, and you did not spend 30 minutes flat-ironing just to unravel in public.
You want a bottle, but the choices are overwhelming. Old world, new world, bold, fruity, spicy… what the hell does any of that mean?
Take a breath. This doesn’t need to be complicated. I’ve got you.
Here’s the trick: pick flavors you already love in everyday life, and let that guide your wine. No somm-level jargon, no meltdown required.
The Flavor Test
You only get to pick ONE in each category. No “yes, but” loopholes. It’s “or” not “and”. Play along or else 😉.
Chocolate
- Milk Chocolate with Hazelnuts → Try medium reds like Merlot, Carménère, Cabernet Franc, or a Bordeaux Blend.
- 70% Dark Chocolate → Try bold reds like Malbec, Tannat, Tempranillo, or Petite Sirah.
Fruit
- Mango → You like it sweet. Go for Moscato, Riesling, or Chenin Blanc.
- Pink Grapefruit → Go crisp with Sauvignon Blanc, Grüner Veltliner, Pinot Gris, Albariño, or Vinho Verde.
Spread It on a Cracker
- Lemon Curd → Look for zesty whites: Pinot Grigio, Sauvignon Blanc, Sparkling Wine, Champagne, or Riesling.
- Olive Tapenade → Try richer whites like White Bordeaux, Vouvray, or Oaked Chardonnay. Also great with Dry Rosé or reds like Primitivo, Pinot Noir, or Cabernet Franc.
A Bowl Of…
- Tart Cherries → Pair with Pinot Noir, Gamay, Carménère, or Sangiovese.
- Juicy Blackberries → Go bold: Zinfandel, Shiraz, Malbec, Petite Sirah, Cabernet Sauvignon, Cab-Merlot blends, or Nero d’Avola.
Your Shortcut: Wine Types at a Glance
I know, this is a lot. That’s why I made you a gorgeous Wine Types at a Glance graphic. Print it, pin it, tattoo it—whatever keeps you from panic-buying the sad $7 bottle with the cartoon animal label.
Final Sip
Next time you’re stuck in the aisle, forget the jargon and follow your taste buds. Buy yourself something nice—because you deserve a bottle that doesn’t scream “gas-station clearance bin.”
Cheers,
Alexandra
